MORE THAN FIFTY WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES (and other social catastrophes)
- At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the
impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for
- Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant,
and balance them in a tower on your table.
- Wipe your nose on your date's
- Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
- Repeat every third third word you say say.
- Give your claim to fame as
being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
- Read a newspaper
or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
- Stare at your date's neck, and
grind your teeth audibly.
- Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend
you don't know what they are talking about.
- Stand up every five minutes,
circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
- Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works
very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
- Howl and whistle
at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
- Recite your dating history.
Improvise. Include pets.
- Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when
your date begins talking about themselves.
- Sacrifice french fries to the
great deity, Pomme.
- When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has
any live food.
- Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from
their plate than they do.
- Chew with your mouth open, talk with
your mouth full and spray crumbs.
- Eat everything on your plate within
30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
- Excuse yourself to use
the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table
in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date
finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
- Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
- Beg your
date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
- Ask your date how much money they have with them.
- Order for your date.
Order something nasty.
- Communicate in mime the entire evening.
entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have
a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the
wall. Act nervous.
- Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
- Hum. Loudly.
- Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and
pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table
that isn't bolted down.
- Hold a debate. Take both sides.
- Undress your
date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
- Auction your date off for silverware.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
- Order a baked potato
for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a
few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter
returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate.
Repeat later in the meal.
- Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or
- Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on
tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
- Speak in pig latin
throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare
pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just
need airing out.
- If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on
the menu. Take one bite.
- Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal
get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
- Save the
bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid,
senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
- Take a thermos along,
and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at
a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
- Insist that the waiter cuts
your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite
of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
- Accuse your
date of espionage.
- Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
- Pass the hat in the restaurant.
Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
- Break wind loudly. Add color
- Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
- Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.